Movie Review ~ And So It Goes

and_so_it_goes

The Facts:

Synopsis: A self-centered realtor enlists the help of his neighbor when he’s suddenly left in charge of the granddaughter he never knew existed until his estranged son drops her off at his home.

Stars: Michael Douglas, Diane Keaton, Sterling Jerins, Frankie Valli, Scott Shepherd, Frances Sternhagen, Andy Karl, Annie Parisse

Director: Rob Reiner

Rated: PG-13

Running Length: 94 minutes

TMMM Score: (2/10)

Review: Instead of a straight-forward review, here’s how I imagine Rob Reiner pitched And So It Goes to Diane Keaton:

Rob Reiner: Hey Diane, I have a movie I think you should be in with Michael Douglas. It’s about –

Diane Keaton: Rob, I’m just going to stop you right there.  I have some questions.

RR: Um, ok…is it about the movie?

DK: Sure.  First things first.  Can I wear only cream, taupe, and ivory shirts with large collars?

RR: Well…yes, I think that would work.  See, you’d be playing a-

DK: Great! Yes, I love those shirts, they are so comfortable and I really feel I can be myself in them, y’know?

RR: Yes. I know.  Now that we have that straightened out –

DK: Ooooo!  And skirts!  I need to wear skirts that end above the knee and are five times the circumference of my body.  At all times.  I could maybe go for pants but only in inclement weather.

RR: I’m not sure the skirts would make sense to the character…

DK: Great!  And I’ll want to hike the skirts up under my armpits so it looks like I’m being consumed from the waist up. And belts…the bigger the better.

RR: Let’s talk more about that later, I’d like to tell you what the movie is about.  You’d be playing a widowed lounge singer living next door to a grumpy old guy played by Michael.  The whole plot revolves around him being forced to take care of his granddaughter abandoned by his prison bound son.

DK: I was in the original Broadway cast of Hair…did you know that?

RR: I did…and you were great.

DK: I know, right?  I’ll sing torch songs, then?

RR: Yes, and I’d be playing your pianist because I can’t NOT be in a movie I’m directing.  I think, however, that I’ll wear a toupee so people won’t recognize me.

DK: Why don’t YOU wear a big skirt and a belt?

RR: No, I think the toupee is enough of a challenge for me.

DK: OK.  Y’know Rob, I was thinking.

RR: About the character?

DK: (laughs) No!  I don’t think I’m totally sold on your idea of just dressing in beige colors the whole time.  I think we need to throw in some reds and polka dots…and red polka dots.

RR: Diane, you suggested the color palette.

DK: (laughs again) Noooo…I think that was your suggestion.  So I’m playing a romantic at heart that convinces this old codger next door that you’re never too old to change?  Hmmmm…sounds an awful lot like As Good As It Gets with my old Reds costar Jack Nicholson.

RR: Well that’s probably because Mark Andrus wrote the screenplays for both.

DK: Ah…so it’s a sequel?

RR: No, no…just a painfully clumsy re-working of that film, lacking any sort of humor, warmth, or honest emotion.

DK: Yikes…sounds pretty bad.  Didn’t you direct Stand By Me, Misery, A Few Good Men, and When Harry Met Sally… those were great films, Rob!

RR: Yeah…I know.  I think Sally Struthers put some sort of curse on me.

DK: Is there anything of value in the movie?

RR: I’m thinking of casting Frances Sternhagen in a thankless role that she could do in her sleep.  And ever since Frankie Valli was passed over to play himself in the movie version of Jersey Boys

DK: Ooo…I think that movie is going to bomb…looks terrible.

RR: Totally!  Anyway…now Frankie has the acting bug…I’ll just give him one awkward scene and that’ll shut him up.

DK: What about the granddaughter, is she cute at least?

RR: Not really…she has the bad habit of looking directly into the camera…but if I have time after my toupee lessons I’ll try to break her of that.

DK: Well Rob, I gotta tell ya…this sounds like a pretty bad film from the outset.  The kind that should go straight to Netflix instead of playing in the theaters.  The type of movie that people may say “What are Michael Douglas and Diane Keaton doing in this garbage?”  The sort of experience moviegoers young and old will find impossible to relate to filled with characters no one can sympathize with.  I’ll just bet that the script is illogical, incoherent, insipid, contradictory, and clichéd at every possible turn.  I mean, next thing you’ll tell me is that Michael’s character will deliver a baby with his bare hands and I’ll film a sex scene miraculously wearing more make-up than I did before the humping started two minutes earlier.

RR: Well…what if I promise you can wear a red polka dotted neckerchief in two scenes?

DK: I’m in!!!!

 

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